我投降了...

終於明白
有時候
放棄
並不代表懦弱。

反之，那可能是需要更大勇氣的一步。

經過這兩個多月重返雜誌工作生活之後，
身體又再次出現了一些狀況，
連醫生也不得不叫我要暫停一下，
留在家中好好休息。

無奈嗎？當然有...
其實這次不只是我與這家雜誌社之間的試用期，
（雖然很快已知道自己根本不太適合這份工作）
同時也是我跟自己的病的一次測試。
結果證實，
我的身體暫時還是應付不來
這份大家眼中所謂的“easy job”。
很遜吧？

然後，我想，我可能真的需要轉行了。

當十根手指紅腫得沒法用力，
手腕肩膀膝頭甚至腳趾所有關節也發炎發疼，
連平日最基本的開水龍頭、扭毛巾等
對常人來說再簡單不過的小動作
也需要巢氏幫忙的時候，
又叫我怎可能四處去借衫借鞋借手袋，
應付每次拍時裝大片時的所有準備功夫?

絕對不是怕幹活怕辛苦，
《奶》系人是出了名不眠不休捱慣的，
而是身體裡的狼不容許我這樣做。

非不為也，是不能也。

至於是不是真的要離開雜誌這一行，
大概還是言之尚早。
況且，只是想想這念頭我已經開始不捨得了...
這幾年努力建立起來的東西與關係絕對來得不輕易，
怎麼可以說走便走?
不過有一點能夠肯定的是，
太需要體力勞動的工作是沒有我那份兒的了...

1月31日將是我在《U》的最後一個工作天，
這次又不知道要休養多久才能恢復過來?!
不過我已有些小小計劃正在盤算着，
希望在新一年真的能夠把它們逐點實現。

現在，我只期待天天與kuro午睡的日子。

remember Timothy Winters?

Timothy Winters comes to school
With eyes as wide as a football-pool,
Ears like bombs and teeth like splinters:
A blitz of a boy is Timothy Winters.

His belly is white, his neck is dark,
And his hair is an exclamation-mark.
His clothes are enough to scare a crow
And through his britches the blue winds blow.

When teacher talks he won't hear a word
And he shoots down dead the arithmetic-bird,
He licks the pattern off his plate
And he's not even heard of the Welfare State.

Timothy Winters has bloody feet
And he lives in a house on Suez Street,
He sleeps in a sack on the kithen floor
And they say there aren't boys like him anymore.

Old Man Winters likes his beer
And his missus ran off with a bombardier,
Grandma sits in the grate with a gin
And Timothy's dosed with an aspirin.

The welfare Worker lies awake
But the law's as tricky as a ten-foot snake,
So Timothy Winters drinks his cup
And slowly goes on growing up.

At Morning Prayers the Master helves
for children less fortunate than ourselves,
And the loudest response in the room is when
Timothy Winters roars "Amen!"

So come one angel, come on ten
Timothy Winters says "Amen
Amen amen amen amen."
Timothy Winters, Lord. Amen.

Timothy Winters by Charles Causley